Ollie Anisfeld and Rabbi Mannis Friedman
Anxiety, Social Pressure and Jewish Continuity

Rabbi Manis Friedman and Ollie Anisfeld - Anxiety, Social Pressure and Jewish Continuity

- Well, it’s a great, great pleasure today to say welcome back to our participants and for me to welcome Rabbi Mannis Friedman and Ollie Anisfeld. They will be talking about anxiety, social pressure, and Jewish continuity. How do we understand and connect to today’s youth? So before I hand over to you, I’m going to introduce Rabbi Mannis Friedman and Ollie. Rabbi Friedman is an author, social philosopher, and public speaker, notably having featured on TED Talks. He’s YouTube’s most popular Rabbi, reaching hundreds of thousands of listeners each week and regularly featured on mainstream television channels in America. He has authored multiple books, including “The Joy of Intimacy: A Soulful Guide to Love, Sexuality, and Marriage,” which was informed by his 40 years of marriage counselling to couples. Rabbi Friedman is known for combining deep, philosophical, and moral thinking with wit and humour. Welcome, Rabbi Friedman. Thank you for joining us.

• Thank you. And I’m just wondering what is the secret to your success? How do you do this? I mean, aside from personal charisma?

• Oh, that’s nice. Thank you. I think it comes with, well, first of all, I established it for my parents, and in the moment, and Trudy, you know, Gold, who’s such an outstanding friend and an outstanding historian. And so, when I saw the success of the first couple of lectures, I realised that I wanted to share this, and I’m by nature a sharer. As soon as I have a good idea or I have something that’s good, immediately then the “me” becomes the “we,” because I just feel that one and one makes 11, and then another one makes 111. And I’m a great believer in community and the love of community and the strength of community, and together, we build. All of us. And you know, I come from a, actually, I come from an ultra-frum family, my cousins, my aunt, my uncle, my uncles and aunts, they’re Rabbis and Rebbetzin’s. My father actually is an entrepreneur of this very frum family, so he’s the rainmaker in one aspect, and we are very, very close. We’re all very different, but we’re all very close. So I just believe in diverse community and building with love, compassion, respect, and integrity.

So I would love to have an offline discussion with you about this, but I don’t think that, I think our participants are wanting to hear from you, so before we continue with us, and I would love to meet you offline because I am in New York, so we will have the opportunity to meet if you’ve got the time, because I think that we have established something truly wonderful, special, and unique, and it’s a recipe that has worked, and perhaps we could talk about how we could extend this to the youth and to, you know, a younger audience. And so saying that, I’m now going to, you know, introduce Ollie, who is the younger generation. And Ollie, we are very proud of you. You are the founder and director of JTV, an online, global Jewish channel which aims to inspire positive Jewish identity, values, and knowledge through engaging video media.

JTV features content on current affairs, Jewish philosophy and values, Jewish history, and other entertainment. Ollie launched JTV five years ago while he was in his final year at University College London reading History. Ollie, that is quite an achievement. JTV has viewers all over the globe, with a viewership that is predominantly aged between 16 and 35. Ollie’s favourite word is “edutainment,” combining educational and entertaining content to influence hearts and minds. So, great pleasure to have you both with us today. An absolute honour. I am now going to hand it over to the two of you. Thank you. Thank you for joining us.

• Great, thank you so much, Wendy. Hello, everyone at Lockdown University. Thank you again to Wendy Fisher and to Trudy Gold for the opportunity to conduct this interview with Rabbi Mannis Friedman. I first just want to say, as someone that is engaged in the world of online media and video distribution and live streams and webinars, I have to say, Wendy, what you’ve achieved with this Lockdown University over the past year or so is absolutely remarkable. To have on such a regular basis, so many viewers from across the world, and consistent viewers, it is quite an achievement. It’s absolutely remarkable. And I have to say, one of the things that I find especially remarkable is that as I come across people who are talking about Lockdown University, they seem to be people from all different shades and communities and backgrounds, and it’s amazing how worlds are kind of colliding through what you’ve created. So a big . As you mentioned, I’m Ollie. I’m 27 years old, based in London, and we’re joined by Rabbi Friedman, and you gave a short kind of introduction to who he is. I

also wanted to mention at the start that Rabbi Friedman has just come out with a new book as well called “Creating a Life that Matters,” which is available online. And as we’re talking about young people tonight, and as you mentioned Wendy, Rabbi Friedman is considered to be, and according to the statistics, YouTube’s most popular Rabbi, which is saying something. And if I may also add, he’s certainly my favourite Rabbi, too, and that’s saying something, ‘cause I’m pretty fussy when it comes to my choice of Rabbi’s. So the title for tonight’s talk is “Anxiety, Social Pressure, and Jewish Continuity: How Do We Understand and Connect to Today’s Youth?” And Rabbi Friedman, we are joined by many Jewish parents and grandparents from across the world, so first of all, how could we not be talking about anxiety? But the idea for tonight’s discussion came about through recognising that, over the past two decades, over the past decade actually, not even decades, the world has gone through serious change, and the world that young people, that I am, and people, you know, younger than me, and millennials, gen Z, are growing up in, is very different to what my parents and grandparents experienced. And one thing I also want to add at the start is that Rabbi Friedman gives advice and counsel to hundreds of people, especially young people, on a monthly basis, many of them suffering from serious challenges, often related to anxiety and mental health issues.

So I want to split this discussion into two halves, and then of course we’ll take questions at the end, which viewers are able to submit. But I want to split it into two halves, the first would be to talk about anxieties young people are facing generally, and then talk about Jewish continuity, and what are the most important factors in ensuring Jewish continuity, because that actually probably happens to be one of the biggest anxieties for parents and grandparents. You know, issues of assimilation and intermarriage, et cetera, and this discussion tonight is all geared towards helping parents and grandparents understand what is going on in young people’s worlds today in order to best help and guide them to ensure both their inner wellbeing and positive Jewish identity. So first question, before asking what the main anxieties young people are facing today in your experience, I want to see if you could first address what I think is a dichotomy that’s developed that you will no doubt hear from people from my generation and perhaps older generations. My generation has seen widespread acknowledgement of mental health as an issue, something that feelings should be talked about. whereas before, perhaps they weren’t as much. But on the other hand, you’ll hear older generations saying, “What good has this done? Young people have lost their resilience,” you know, the British term “Stiff up a lip,” and there’s been the rise of the term “snowflake,” the infamous term where, just talking about how young people are indulging their feelings too much. So to start off with, before we even get into specific anxieties, who is right in this debate, or maybe are both opinions right?

• As in most cases with most subjects, the secret or the answer lies in going a little deeper, questioning some of the things that we take for granted, and getting better definitions for the words we’re using, like for example, anxiety. What exactly is it? What is anxiety? Like the comedian says, “Anxiety is a terrible thing, because it makes you really anxious.” What is it that makes you anxious? And what is anxiety? Fear? Conscience? Insecurity? All these words, what do they mean? So here’s an interesting, kind of mind-blowing concept. We understand, we’ve always understood, the possibility of imminent death has always been a source of anxiety, you know? We hate when that happens, so when there’s a possibility of dying and of death, we become really anxious. We call it the survival instinct, sanctity of life, whatever it is, the point is, dying is scary, and anything that even suggests dying becomes a source of anxiety.

So somebody is faced with imminent death, like “Bow to this idol or I’ll shoot you,” he’s not anxious, he’s totally panicked and frightened. Anxiety would be you live in a country where it is possible for somebody to want to kill you if you don’t bow to an idol, but it’s not happening to you, so you don’t have an actual fear or terror, but there’s an anxiety because this could happen to me. And the same is true, of course, with a virus. I could potentially come down with the virus and the virus could potentially be life-threatening, so I’m not being threatened right now, but the possibility hovers and causes anxiety. In fact, the reason we get up in the morning and go to school. If you really track it down, why do I go to school? I got to get into college. Why do I have to get into college? 'Cause I got to make a living. Why do I have to make a living? 'Cause I got to pay the mortgage. Why do I have to pay the mortgage? Because I don’t want to be homeless. Why do I not want to be homeless? Because it’s dangerous. You could die. So every day when I go to school so that I don’t die. That’s how far reaching the anxiety could be. Some people will say it’s absurd. There’s no reason for you to be anxious. Death is at a safe distance. Of course it’s possible, but it’s not like in the olden days where death was everywhere.

So today, we should not be so anxious. At any rate, the ultimate historical cause for anxiety was death. Closer, further, imminent, not imminent, whatever. Imagine people all of a sudden, for whatever reason, stop being afraid of death, don’t care. I don’t care. No, I’m not depressed or suicidal, 'cause people who are depressed and suicidal do care. Imagine somebody just doesn’t care. Live or die, makes no difference to me. Would he be free of anxiety? I think this is the crucial question of today. We’re standing at this crossroad where life matters a lot, and at the same time, life matters not at all. You talk to young people who are doing dangerous things, flirting with death, and you say “This can kill you.” “Yeah, so? What’s your point?” Death is not a threat. Punishment is no longer effective, because it doesn’t mean anything. We’re going through a tidal wave of change on the most fundamental level. What motivated people for 5,782 years suddenly isn’t working. “You got to do this and you got to do that, because otherwise, you’re going to die.” “Eh. I’ll take my chances.” Here’s the question. If we really didn’t take death seriously, would we have less anxiety, or would it be replaced with a different kind of anxiety? If I’m not afraid of dying, then what is my life? So you mentioned how about how the lockdown, and by the way, how is it that “locked down” and “lock up” mean exactly the same thing?

• I thought that.

• You’re locked down or you’re locked up, and it’s the same thing, but whatever it is, it has caused us to turn inward to think about the more important things in life, because the things that we once considered life, obviously are not necessary. We’ve gone without shopping, we’ve gone without travelling, we’ve gone without sports events, we’ve gone without nightclubs. All the things we thought made up life are not even necessary, so our minds, our thoughts, go to something deeper than “What is life?” Now imagine if people all over the world were no longer intimidated by death. The anxiety would be overwhelming, 'cause now I don’t know why I’m alive. To put it all in very simple terms, the purpose of life has now become a crucial, pressing, and frightening question. It’s not academic and it’s not philosophical, it’s visceral. Why am I here? Whether you say it in those words or you don’t say it, but if death no longer threatens me, what am I left with? I’m left with a life that I don’t necessarily need, because, you know, if I’m not alive, no great loss, so what do I do with life now? Now this is a vast improvement.

Living your life in order not to die has never made any sense, and yet we were doing it for all these decades, all these centuries and millennium. Why? Why was it okay? It’s hard to imagine. Live your life, do everything you need to do. Work hard, get up in the morning, be ambitious. Why not to die? All of a sudden, that just does not compute. What in the world is that? I am responsible. I take my life very seriously. Life is sacred. Thou shalt not murder. What? Big deal. So what? So we are now suffering from a new kind of anxiety. Not an anxiety about death, an anxiety about life. Young people are demanding, sometimes in an articulate way and sometimes in clumsy ways, but they are demanding, “Tell me about life, 'cause otherwise I’m not interested.” You can’t take life for granted. You know, the Yiddish expression . “Whatever, whatever. It doesn’t matter as long as you’re healthy.” Really? Why is that so important? You got to live. Really? You got to live? You’ve got a whole new kind of anxiety now. If I’m not afraid of dying, what am I living for? So it’s an anxiety that we can’t really explain.

We can’t pin it down. It’s not financial. It’s not economic. It’s not health. It’s not freedom, politics. It’s none of those things, because in all of those areas, we’re a lot better off than previous generations. We should be the least anxious about those things, well, not completely comfortable either, but there’s no reason for us to be more anxious than our grandparents. I mean, talk about continuity. Some things are not continuing. We’re not in the same political, financial, and lifespan condition. We’re much better off, and yet we are more anxious. I think the secret is, and maybe it’s a little premature to say this, 'cause most people have not come around to it yet, but it’s right there, right there under the surface. What’s life for? I think there are many young people who are afraid to have children, who put off getting married, and even when they get married, they put off having children, and they have all sorts of explanations for it, but in the bottom line, they’re terrified, because if I get married and I start a family and I have children, the children are going to ask me what life is all about, and I don’t know. They’re going to want to know why we brought them into this world, and I don’t have an answer. That’s scary. There’s a lot of anxiety around that area. So for myself, for my children, what is life, and why are we questioning it now? Because, for some reason, death is no longer a good answer.

• Don’t a lot of people have instinctively a sense of, “I don’t know why I’m necessarily here, but I know I want to leave this world better off than, you know, when I first entered it,” and that sort of takes them through life as a guiding principle. And is that not enough, or do you think you need something deeper?

• Well, it may be enough, but it proves the point. Unless I can make a difference, unless I can make a significant, meaningful, purposeful contribution, I don’t know what I’m doing here. and that’s why the new book is called “Creating a Life That Matters: Living a Life of Meaning and Purpose.” Meaning and Purpose. See, both of those words imply that life needs to be justified. If we can’t justify life, we’re left with a terrible anxiety and a kind of a mysterious, vague anxiety that is even hard to describe, which makes you even more anxious, 'cause I don’t even know what I’m anxious about. So in the olden days, it was simpler. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to be deprived. I want to live life fully, whatever that means.

• I think that still drives a lot of us. by the way. I don’t think we’ve fully, you know, you say fear of death isn’t so daunting. I think it still is for a lot. Would you not say it still is for a lot of people? And what’s your evidence that we’ve shifted on that?

• There is a fear of death. There’s a fear of paper cuts. We’re afraid to get the sniffles, but it’s not earth shattering anymore. It doesn’t explain everything. It will explain why I won’t go bungee jumping, but other than that, it doesn’t justify life the way it used to. Do whatever you can to make sure you don’t die. Hmm, that doesn’t sound right anymore. I don’t want to die. I’m not suicidal, got nothing against life, but I don’t know what it’s for. The person who says, “Well, I’m going to make a difference.” So he’s answering the question. He’s not dismissing the question. I do need to have a purpose in life. Well I found one. Good. Should that purpose disappoint you, you are in deep trouble, because that’s what kept your life afloat.

Many people are suffering from that disillusionment, that disappointment. The things I thought were meaningful enough to live for, they’re not. So what does it mean to live a full life? Travel a lot. Experience various, different things. Have a lot of pleasure, even if it kills you. Well, we have this lockdown, and we’re not travelling a lot, and we’re not experimenting a lot, and life is a little better. Nah? What’s going on? So all of a sudden, the rug is pulled out from under us. Everything we once thought life meant is obviously not the case anymore, so the anxiety that we’re suffering from today is that which used to belong to the philosophers who would sit around and debate this and never come to any real conclusion. What is the purpose? Why am I here? The question is a valid question, because in fact, I don’t need to be here, right? I don’t need to be here. I don’t need to be alive. That is a terrifying thought. Not because I might die, but because I don’t care if I do. Now what? So if I stop being afraid of death, I develop a whole new anxiety. Then what is life for and why is that causing anxiety? Maybe life is for nothing. I actually heard a philosopher, a Professor of Philosophy at Berkeley back in the 60’s, he had an amazing original concept. “Life stinks. Will you stop trying to make it sound good? Why don’t you have the courage to just admit that life is meaningful? It’s got no beginning, it’s got no end. We’re not going anywhere. We’re not accomplishing anything.

Life stinks. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you’ll enjoy life.” For about 30 seconds, it makes sense, but not more. Have the courage to admit that life is meaningless. No, that is the last option for cowards. “I can’t make sense of life, so I just give up and say, 'Oh, what the heck?’ So it’s meaningless. I don’t care.” No, you do care. How did you become a professor? How did you work so hard and study, and well, because you don’t care? No. And you choose to study philosophy, why? Because you don’t care? There’s something inconsistent there. I’m not sure exactly what, but so why does it produce anxiety? And this is really the beauty of the whole thing. Human beings cannot stand purposeless or meaningless reality. Can’t stand it. If I am here for no reason, I won’t enjoy the meaninglessness of it. It will torture me. Why? Why can’t I have the courage to admit that life means nothing, it’s purely accidental, you came into this world for no reason whatsoever. Stop making it so serious. Life is not sacred. It’s here, it’s gone a couple of years. Enjoy, relax, eat, drink, and be merry. How come that doesn’t work?

Does not work. The reason is because there’s more to humans than we are giving credit. Human beings are essentially, forget Freud, forget Adler, forget, human beings are essentially purposeful creationists. We are created for a purpose, and it is our ultimate, deepest, most primitive reality. We are purposeful creatures, which means we have a sense of purpose. If I should think or suspect that life is not purposeful, I got to get out of here. I can’t. I had this experience, this woman said to me, “I’m going to kill myself, ‘cause everything is so meaningless. There’s no meaning. It’s all meaningless.” I said, “Are you serious?” She says, “Yeah.” “No meaning? Nothing has any meaning?” She says, “No.” I said, “Well then, why do you have to kill yourself? You’re here. Hang around. Killing yourself is so ambitious. Don’t get so ambitious. It’s meaningless.” Why is it that if a person thinks that they’re meaningless, they need to destroy themselves? What is that? It is ultimately a compliment to the human condition.

We are so purposeful, purpose is so built into our soul, into our DNA, that if I can’t find the purpose, I don’t want to be here. Existing without a purpose is pure torture to a meaningful soul. We are meaningful souls. So no, it is not brave and it is not wise to say “Life is meaningless” and “Just enjoy it.” It’s foolish and untrue. So if we need a definition to today’s widespread anxiety, it is the desperation that we all carry. My life is for what? There’s got to be meaning. There’s got to be purpose. That’s the good news, once we figure it out. This is where continuity comes in. If life has a purpose and a meaning, it can’t be something we invented yesterday. If life has a purpose, it always has and it always will, and it’s the same purpose. You can’t switch or change purposes. Purpose does not begin with the creation. It begins with the creator. When you say what is the purpose of life? Excuse me, whose purpose? What do you mean by purpose? Well, my purpose in life is to be a doctor. And when did you make that up? That’s not your purpose, that’s your choice. It’s very meaningful to you. That’s beautiful. You really enjoy it. Great! Who says that’s your purpose? Purpose can’t come from you. You’re the one who needs a purpose, right? So you can’t ask a car what its purpose is, you have to ask the manufacturer, and if the manufacturer created a car with no purpose, then there is no purpose. The car can’t make one up. If I was created without a purpose on the part of the creator, then I am not purposeful, then there no purpose and I can’t make one up after the fact.

Continuity means something has always been purposeful. Something has always been meaningful. I got to find out what that is. I can’t make one up. Kind of I like this popular concept of, you know, “What’s true for you is your truth.” Don’t use the word “truth” like that. It’s an oxymoron. How true is something if it’s only true when you think it’s true? Then it’s obviously false to begin with. May be beautiful. Don’t call it “true,” like “true love.” Truth and love are very different. Truth is something that has always existed. You fell in love with me yesterday. Don’t confuse the two. And tomorrow, you’ll probably hate me, so leave the word “truth” out of this sentence. You’re experiencing love, how true it is? Don’t you dare assume, “Oh, this is true love.” Eh, we’ll wait and see. Now, love is a beautiful thing. Enjoy it. Call it what it is. It’s beautiful. It connects people. Don’t call it “truth,” 'cause that’s not truthful. Anyway, continuity means “What has always been true.” If you can answer that question, you’ll win the prize. Well, what do you think is true? That’s silly talk. The beauty of truth is that it’s true, even if you don’t think so. That make sense? And that’s what faith means. What does it mean to believe in God? I have all sorts of rational arguments that prove the existence of God. Why do I have to believe it? And there is a mitzvah to know God, and then there’s another mitzvah to believe in God. Well, once I know him, why do I have to believe in him?

Belief means God is true even if I never understand it and cannot prove it. In fact, belief means God is real even if I don’t believe it. Ain’t that what? True belief means, whatever this is that I’m believing in is absolutely true, which means it’s true even if I don’t believe in it, not a figment of your belief. So I have this little incident. I was sitting in an airport, as I often do, and this guy comes over to me and launches into a sermon. He’s a missionary, and he goes on and on about how every word in the Bible is true. I don’t disagree with that, but after about 15 minutes of this, he says, “And what is your relationship with the Bible?” I said, “My relationship? Well I’m a Cohan, so Aaron is my grandfather, which means Moses is my uncle, and Miriam is my aunt.” His mouth fell open, he didn’t know what to say, and he mumbled something and he walked off. And I was left thinking, he just convinced me that every word in the Bible is true.

He said so over and over again for 15 minutes. Then he asks me what my relationship with the Bible is, and I say, “Aaron is my grandfather.” He’s speechless. Why? Why? He knows that every word in the Bible is true. So there was an Aaron? Yes. Did he have children? Yes. Well, I’m one of his descendants. Why was he speechless? Obviously, when he said it’s true, he didn’t mean “true.” He didn’t mean true, like in true. He meant “We believe it’s true,” but that it is actually true in fact? Whoa! Left him speechless. So what does “true” mean? What does “belief” mean? Belief means what I’m telling you is true even if I don’t believe it, and that’s why if I tell you that God is real and God gave us the Torah and so on, and you say “I don’t believe it,” I’m not threatened, because it’s true, even if I don’t believe it. So what we need is to reconnect. Back in the 60’s, we developed a generation gap. The younger generation no longer depended on the older generation. We lost all respect for older people. Everybody over 30 was irrelevant, and we thought that was really cool. We joked about it.

Now, we’re paying the price. Disconnected means no continuity. It means everything in our existence is an experiment. We’re trying to reinvent the wheel, 'cause the people who invented the wheel are over 30, so we can’t trust them anymore. The older generation threw up their hands, couldn’t get through to the younger generation, and they just gave up. Not a good situation. So what is the solution? We have to rethink life. Yom Kippur is coming. People used to go to the shuls, the synagogues, fasting, praying, 'cause they didn’t want to die. Please remember us for life. Seal us in the book of life. Give us life, 'cause we don’t want to die. For the younger generation, that began to sound really pathetic.

• And also, we don’t like to feel threatened as if there’s some kind of begging and pleading required. It’s not particularly appealing.

• It’s not appealing at all.

• Yeah. Rabbi, also, I just want to say I’m slightly conscious that we should get to questions. We’ve only, I think we’ve only got around 50 minutes left, so if you want to just wrap up your thoughts on this.

• Yes, this year.

• Lead us out from the nihilistic picture that you’ve presented so far.

• This year on Yom Kippur, we have to have a different approach. It’s not the fear of death. Death is not awesome. These are called days of “Awe,” not because we might die. That’s really pathetic. A little paranoid. No, it’s life that is awesome. God is going to seal us in the book of life without a question, without a doubt, because it’s his creation, it’s his world. He loves life, and so he’s going to give us life, eh, with maybe a few exceptions. Somebody’s got to die, but not everybody who comes to the synagogue has to be worried that they’re not going to make it through the year. You see, that was true back in Europe, in the bad old days, where death was always a constant reality. Imminent. Now it’s not. Now, we have to respect life, not death.

It is awesome, because on Yom Kippur, God decrees that we will live, and we have such respect for life that we are trembling at the thought of wasting another year of life like we did last year, so that’s what’s awesome. God is definitely going to give us a year of life. To think otherwise is to be partially suicidal, pessimistic, morbid. We’re going to have life. Now that’s serious. For life, you need wisdom. To die, you need no wisdom. So this is what we need. We need to get together and write the book of life, because that’s the book of wisdom. Actually, it’s already been written, maybe we should just read it.

• So I mean, there’s several questions I’d like to pick you up on, but obviously, I want to go to questions from viewers. So we have a question from Steven who said, “Okay, so death is inevitable, so surely purpose and meaning are just another diversion against existential anxiety?”

• It may be. If it works, we’ve gotten rid of the anxiety and we’re enjoying life. You can’t knock it, but there’s more to it than that. It is a human instinct deeper than any other. Deeper than the need for pleasure, we have a need for meaning, and that’s not an accident, and it’s not our imagination. It’s a universal, historical, cosmic truth. The sooner we find the answer to that, to that need, the sooner we will be what we’re meant to be, and that’s a biggie. So it’s not another experiment, it’s a response to a very primordial drive that makes the human, human, and you don’t play with that. You don’t trivialise that.

• And do you think it’s, I mean, just please I encourage everyone to submit questions if they wish to. I mean, one thing that I’ll pick you up on while we’re just waiting for some more questions to come in or, although I see actually a few more coming in here, in fact. Actually, John Winlow, your question that you’ve just submitted, as well as Romaine, it actually totally fits in with what I wanted to ask next. So John Winlow, you wrote, “I agree with Rabbi that seeking God, belief in God, and seeking to live our life in fellowship with him gives our life its greatest meaning and fulfilment.” And then Romaine asked, “Do we have a need for faith?”

So based on what they’ve asked, I would ask you first of all, is that an essential requirement that one sort of believes that they have a creator and seeks to understand the creator’s purpose for their existence in order to satisfy that existential anxiety? Because, you know, I’m sure there are plenty of people who haven’t engaged in religion or faith that have managed to lead happy lives. And yeah, I mean, I would sort of pose that to you as a question. And then the other bit would be, well what, can you explain a bit more precisely what is the Jewish perspective on what the creator’s purpose was?

• Okay. Two very different questions. First thing is existential anxiety, is that a disorder, is that a psychological problem or weakness, or is there an absolute truth? Existence needs to be justified by its very nature for the human being. People treat it, existential anxiety, as if, “Well, you must have had a difficult childhood or something, and that’s why you’re suffering from existential anxiety.” No, existential anxiety is the reality condition of the world. Existence without purpose does not add up, does not work. It leaves you with a desperate need to get out of here. How do we explain that? What is it in the human being that demands meaning and purpose? And again, you can’t run around in circles. The reason I need purpose and meaning is because I’m anxious. And why are you anxious? 'Cause I don’t see any purpose and meaning. That’s circular reasoning. The reason we have existential anxiety is because the truth is that we are not here to exist, and if that’s all you’re doing, you’re going to feel out of place. Everything is wrong, your whole existence is empty and unjustified, and you’re going to want to kill it or kill yourself. Most addictions that are life-threatening can be traced to the desperate need to destroy the meaninglessness of my existence.

Now why is my existence meaningless? Well who cares? Why does it matter? I don’t think there’s anything more consistent in all of history than the question of “Why am I here?” It’s got to tell you something. Everybody always has been asking this question. There is meaning behind it, so that’s the reality, the appropriateness of existential anxiety. You should be. If you’re not bothered by empty existence, you’re not in touch with reality. So yes, you can drug yourself, you can entertain yourself out of your mind so that you don’t feel the need to answer the question, but as soon as that entertainment fades, the question is still there. It hasn’t budged at all. So what does the Torah tell us?

• [Speaker] And I think Rabbi, I’m going to ask you to come back in to town.

• Whoop, sorry.

• What was that?

• I don’t know. I think that was accidental?

• Okay. The Torah’s answer is very, very, very powerful, and again, mind blowing. For the longest time, we have been told by everybody, parents, teachers, Rabbis, preachers, philosophers, everybody, everybody, “You have needs, and if you don’t satisfy those needs, you’re going to be miserable.” Let’s question that since we’re questioning everything else. Let’s question that. I have needs? Who says? Maybe I don’t have needs. Maybe I have no need for needs. Maybe the needs I have are not even mine. If I don’t need to live, if I didn’t ask to be born, now why would I have any needs?“ Well, if you don’t do this or that, you’re going to die. Okay? I don’t need to live. Again, I don’t mind living. I’m not suicidal and I’m not depressed and I’m not suffering, I’m just making an observation about reality.

I didn’t ask to be born. I don’t need to be born. If I was never born, you would never hear me complain, so I don’t need to be here. It’s liberating, it’s a relief, but it also means that I have no needs. I don’t need a job. I don’t need money. I don’t need to pay bills. I don’t need to be here at all. And yet, I cannot continue existing unless I eat three meals a day, sleep eight hours a night, have a roof over my head, and somebody to love me and tell me that I’m wonderful. All of it, pathetic. And I didn’t ask for any of that, but that’s how I was born. That’s how I was created. So who did this to me? My needs? No. That’s why I believe in a creator, 'cause I can’t blame myself. I can’t say I need to eat three times a day because that was my choice. It was not. It would never be my choice. Why would I want to depend on food? So, purpose of life and creator are one and the same. Without a creator, there is no purpose. Without a purpose, there’s no creator. The belief in God literally means "The belief that I am here for a reason,” and the only way that’s possible is if what created me had a reason. Subatomic particles may have created me, but then without a reason. So if the subatomic particles created me without a reason, I have no reason to believe in them. They don’t need me, I don’t need them. So belief in God means God needs you more than you need him. If that’s not true, then it’s not God. Say that again. God needs you more than you need him, 'cause you need him in order to exist, but you don’t really need to exist. He needs you, because his vast eternal plan cannot work without you. He needs you more, infinitely more than you need him, and that’s why we’re so willing to serve him, 'cause we got nothing else to do. I am free to serve him once I realise that my needs are not necessary, they’re handicaps, which I didn’t ask for. So what justifies all that? I am needed.

Much better than being needy. So here’s the bottom line. The choice in life is not good or bad. Why would anybody choose bad? The real choice in life is do you feel needy or do you feel needed? That’s an important choice. Turns out that we need to be needed. We, human beings, all of us, need to be needed much more than we need to be loved. We need to be needed, 'cause that means we have a purpose, and if God would tell us what he needs, that’s all we need to hear. Sometimes, I don’t even know why he needs or what he needs, but I’m aware that he needs, and that helps a lot, explains a lot, 'cause there’s a lot of stuff going on in my life that I don’t need, and if he doesn’t need it either, oh, then this is bad news, so that’s continuity. What God said to Adam and Eve, that’s still, today, governing life. He needs. In the beginning, he created. Well then, he’s got a need. I didn’t create anything. Don’t blame me. I don’t need anything. Psychologically, it is so much healthier. Morally, it is so much more compelling. Philosophically, it answers all the questions. And theologically, God is back in the picture. Not a bad deal, huh? Look at how much we’ve accomplished in an hour.

• Well, I’m conscious that we’ve passed the finish line. There is one more question down here at the bottom. No, this looks more like a comment than a question. John, no, I think we’ve had John before. So I don’t know whether we’re going to hand back to our host, but I mean, I would say at this point, I think one final question that I want to ask is, we had plenty, I mean, we had plenty of practical questions we wanted to ask in terms of, you know, parents and dealing with younger people, but I think this was more, slightly more of a philosophical, fundamentals kind of discussion, which I think is nonetheless important sort of to base everything else upon. But according to what you are saying, this question of sort of existential anxiety and living, having anxiety around living, I’d be interested to ask, it sounds like you are saying that the Jewish perspective is God created the world out of his, a need that he had. Is it possible that God would’ve created another, because according to Jewish view, because he himself has an existential anxiety?

• Yes. That would be perfect. What was missing? God is eternal and God is perfect and God is infinite. What was missing? Why would he create a world? For what? So he tells us, because it’s not good to be alone. It’s not good. There’s no goodness in being alone. Even if you’re perfect.

• What does good mean?

• Hmm. Good means “By myself is not enough. With you, that’s enough.” Goodness means there’s something beyond me. Even if I am God and completely perfect, but there’s got to be more than just me. That’s humility, it’s vulnerability, it’s divine. But to demystify this thing a little bit, somebody is, Hillary is mentioning Viktor Frankl. Viktor Frankl was onto something. He saw people who had a meaning were able to survive the Holocaust, the concentration camps. People who saw no meaning had a harder time surviving. That’s close to what we’re saying now. Meaning is more important to the human being than pleasure, love, survival. Meaning creates survival. Yes, it’s actually true. When we find meaning, we have everything, and then all the pain in the world will not destroy us. Without meaning, every discomfort leads to suicide. So it’s the answer we’ve always had. It’s the secret that has kept us from disappearing as a Jewish people. After the Holocaust, the largest birth rate was among survivors. Survivors were giving birth more than people who didn’t go through the horrors.

What an incredible statement that is. They survived because life had to go on, not because they had to maintain their existence. They saw a purpose, and as soon as they could, they fulfilled that purpose. They kept the Jewish people alive. We are indestructible when we are needed. Being loved is nice. It is not our deepest need. So what should you tell children today? You must be nice. You must share with your friend. You have to be a good husband. You have to be a good wife. You have to be a good child. You have to be a good parent. Nobody’s buying it. Stop telling me what I need, because it rings hollow. I don’t “need.” So the moral language of yesterday is not working. Be a mensch. Look at you. What’s wrong with you? No, that doesn’t work anymore, but if I tell you that somebody needs you, all of a sudden, you rise to become a hero. I’d much rather be needed than have all my needs met, and that’s why people in affluent countries have more anxiety than people in third world countries. People in third world countries have more fear, and it’s realistic, but we have more anxiety because whatever it is I thought I need, I pretty much have, and it’s still not working, so now what? If we had everything we needed, we would be anxious. If we had no fear of death, we would be anxious. Anxious to find the purpose for our existence.

• We had a comment from Ellie Straus saying, “What do people do who are alone and no one needs them?”

• No such thing. No such thing. You may not be needed for heroic purposes, like somebody said, “Nobody needs me.” Say, “Your kids need you.” “Yeah, but that’s nothing.” Whoa. That’s nothing? Eh, all they want is my money. No, you’re not listening. They need you, not life and death. They need you to explain life, to make life meaningful. That’s a real need, not a temporary one, not a superficial one, not something they’re ever going to lose interest in, because whatever you teach them about life, they’re going to teach their kids, and it will always be relevant. That’s awesome. That’s the continuity we need. So today, instead of telling children what they need to do, what they must become, tell them what is needed of them, and if nobody in the immediate vicinity needs you, the creator himself needs you. There is no one who exists, who is not needed, because that need is what causes your existence. If you’re not needed, you do not exist. If you exist, you are needed.

• I must share this anecdote before we finish. A few years ago I went to see a chiropractor. She was this woman that was from Chinese origin, and I had a problem with my arm, and she, I had to take, she asked me to take my shirt off, and she said, “Oh, you’re wearing tzitzit.” I said, “How do you know what that is?” She said, “Oh, I have a few Jewish clients.” And I said, I dunno what came over me, I just sort of, I was thinking to myself, “What should I ask her?” And I said, “I’m interested to know, what do you think is like a common Jewish trait that you find whenever you have Jewish clients?” And I’ll never forget, she sort of glanced out the window and stared out of the window and said, “Hmm, you guys all worry so much.”

And I know recently on Lockdown University, they had the author Norman Lebrecht, who wrote a book called “Genius and Anxiety,” analysing the Jewish contribution to western civilization over the last, well since post-enlightenment, and looking at how anxiety, Jewish anxiety, actually plays a key role in propelling Jewish success and innovation and growth. And I just wanted to ask before we finish, and again, as I said, I would like to just emphasise to everyone, you know, there are lots of practical things I want to discuss. And Rabbi Friedman, despite this being a very philosophical talk, is a very practical Rabbi, and perhaps on another talk, we can speak in more practical terms and have more interactive conversation on that, but I want to ask, what is it about Jews and anxiety, because we are a little bit more anxious than the average person, aren’t we?

• Because our sense of purpose is deeper. We were there at Mount Sinai when God said, “Here’s what is needed from you, of you,” and we carry that. It echoes in our soul constantly. What does he need from me? Even if it’s not conscious, it’s there subconsciously. Also the Gemara says, “Where there is more wisdom, there is more pain.” Not negative pain, positive pain. Where there is more wisdom, where we understand our purpose better, we take life more seriously. It’s interesting, people who are desperate to survive are not taking life as seriously as a person who knows what he’s needed for, 'cause I want to survive, but you know, if I don’t, I don’t. But to disappoint the creator who needs me? That’s not acceptable. Failure is not an option, so we take life more seriously, which creates a certain pain, a certain urgency. So if we realised “I don’t need to be alive, but God needs me,” then my life is much more serious than it was before. Not less, much more. The holiest of people are the ones who appreciated life the most. They didn’t have their heads in the cloud, they weren’t halfway to the other world. Life meant more to them than it means to the greedy, to the glutton, for the materialistic. So the deeper we go, the richer it gets.

• Fantastic. Rabbi, I really appreciate the, you know, your time for the, and to share your deep insights and wisdom. We’re were against the crux on some serious issues, perhaps the most serious of all, and I’m sure, I’ve no doubt that our audience, you know, there’s going to be a, will be a diversity of response to this, and you know, these are issues that we’ve been grappling with for a very long time, but I think it’s good. I think it’s important to ask ourselves the biggest questions of all, and to hear, to understand what Judaism and the, you know, the Torah and what we’ve carried for hundreds and thousands of years has asked of us and informed us about the purpose and meaning of our lives, so thank you for that. I think it’s also particularly timely given this time of year we’re in the, you know, the 10 days, the time which is a really important time of introspection and asking ourselves what we plan for the coming year. So really appreciate your wisdom and I hope we’ll have the opportunity to get to do this again. Thank you to Trudy and thank you to Wendy for the opportunity, as well, and I’ll pass this back now to Wendy.

• Thank you very much Rabbi Friedman, and thank you Ollie, it was the most outstanding and thought provoking presentation. Absolutely. You know, last year certainly gave us the opportunity to stop and to be still and to realise just how precious, right, you know, life really is and how we can use our time in a very, very productive way. And I love the idea that we need to write the book of wisdom, but that book has already been written, and you’re quite right. Maybe we should stop, be still, and read that book of wisdom. And there’s just one last thing that I just like to pick up on and that is the whole concept of being needed.

And maybe, maybe if you have the time, I would like to ask you to, for us to have another presentation, because it’s very interesting, the concept of being needed, when, how, to know when one is needed in a healthy way, because that can often transition into being beholden, which can then transcend into being obligated, which then becomes trapped, I’ve seen this many times, and then resentful, so I’d like to talk about a healthy existence of being needed, and how to one puts this in a perspective. Is it about self-esteem? Is it about needing to be needed? Is it about narcissism? There’s so many, there’s different roads that we can, you know, that we can follow. It’s a very, very interesting concept. I’ve been thinking while you’ve been giving your presentation how important, the difference between me being needed and being loved is.

• Also the difference between being needed and being used.

• I like that.

• Being used will eventually produce resentment.

• Right. Okay. Being manipulated into being believed that you’re needed in other words.

• Or if the need is not an essential one.

• And not a genuine one.

• Right. So you’re just using me for peripheral, insignificant things.

• You’re flattering me.

• Yeah, that’s slavery.

• [Wendy] Right.

• But if you really need me, there’s no greater compliment. There’s no greater.

• [Wendy] Right, I agree.

• And it’s also, as you’ve taught me Rabbi, it’s about needing me not something that I could do that perhaps someone else could do. And I remember you saying “You shouldn’t marry, go into a marriage, because, you know, you need something from them. If you wanted that, you could just hire someone.” You said you “Go into marriage because,” and by the way, Wendy, another thing I think you really should have Rabbi Friedman talk about is his insights on marriage, as a marriage counsellor for over 40 years. But Rabbi Friedman says that you go into a marriage 'cause you need someone, that person, not something about them, it’s them, you know?

• [Wendy] Right.

• And so, I think that’s the one of the, another difference between being needed and used, that I think Rabbi Friedman’s highlighting there.

• Rabbi Friedman, it was a great, great honour, and a great, great pleasure to have you with us today, and I certainly look forward to meeting you in person if you have the time and, you know, it was just a real honour. And Ollie, thank you for arranging it.

• My pleasure. Thank you.

• So where in Brooklyn are you, Wendy?

• I’m in Manhattan. Do you come into the city at all?

• There are some pretty good restaurants there.

• Okay. I’m taking you. Maybe Ollie, you will exchange, will send me your details and we can go from here. I look forward to that.

• Wonderful.

• Thank you very, very much. And to all our participants, thank you for being on with us today. I wish you all an easy cast.

• Shana Tova.

• Shana Tova. Sweet, happy, healthy New Year. Thank you. Goodbye everyone.